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Cím: Nincs mit törölni vagy szerkeszteni
09.10.09 6:32 am
hát...meglennék ezzel is! Nyugtával dícsérd a napot - azaz keltével: 05.37. reggel, a nap még nem kelt fel, de én már kitöröltem az egész eddigi blog-sorozatot! Három év munkáját. Három év emlékét. Három évet az életemből. S, most, hogy újra kezdem, még itt izzik bennem a rendszer utolsó jelentése: "Nincs mit törölni vagy szerkeszteni" - azaz: készen vagyok. Bevégeztetett!
Sok szép gondolat - és főképp a múlt egy darabkája veszett el ezen az éjjelen...hahaha, nem is igaz! Lementettem az összes beírást. Az sem volt két perc, de megérte. bele-bele olvastam, bár próbáltam tűrtőztetni magam, aztán már kényszerítettem a tudatom a tovább száguldásra: szerkeszt, jelszó, poszt törlése.Klassz. Pajor Tamással kezdtem a Gödörben, 2006-ban. Egyenként töröltem a napokat.

S, most, a Kontroll Csoporttal folytatom.
Azért töröltem, hogy tiszta legyen a lap. Annak, aki a bannerről idevándorol - állítólag máshova nem tud - annak.
Induljon el az ide látogató egy kontrollált úton. Csak semmi személyeskedést! - már ami a közéletet illeti. Csak semmi politikát...ami egy nagy baromság! A politizálás a közélettel való foglalatoskodás - vagy nem? Elég fáradt vagyok. Kicsit olvastam éjjel, Lengyel Pétert, a Macskakő-t, kicsit Stasiuk Kilenc-ébe is beleolvastam, miután tompa gyomorfájásra ébredtem. Tudtam, hogy a blog az oka. Hajnalodik, de klassz. Tényleg: a szobámból, az ablakból, sőt: egyenesen az ágyamból lehet látni a napfelkeltét. Gyönyörű. Pedig angyalföldön lakom. A pedig arra vonatkozik, hogy sajna, nem a természet lágy ölén, és mégis: napfelkete, hold, csillagok: ez énhozzám, mind béragyog Vicceltem, tudom , hogy ördögöm van!

Köztudott, s ha nem, akkor legyen az: megyünk New York-ba a Kontrollal (csoport, nem filmcím, shit!, ahogy a művelt angol mondja) novemberben, 7-én játszunk az EastVillage beli Le Poisson Rouge-ban.( mikor máskor ), de, ami húzósabb: itthon is adunk két koncertet. Itthon, édes itthon. Debrecen, október 24 (egy moly szállt be a látószögemet metszve), Pecsa, október 30. (sajna, nem a Gödör, dehát a hely kell a népnek, ha kell, sok hely kell neki, aki eljön, az ne álljék heringmód: hadd mozogjanak).

Ki képzelte, hogy elmegyünk úgy new york-ba, hogy idehaza nem játszunk? Na, ne bőgj!

Elkezdtük a próbákat, egyszer lesz egy nyilvános is...már most is az, de még nem nagy(nyilvános), csak kicsi.

A jegyeket a pecsában már árulják: olyan gyermeki, hogy már, MÁR! 37 db. fogyott. meg vagyok illetődve.

A plakátterv kész, egyébként a facebookon látható egyenlőre, mert ide nem tudok tenni képet (egyenlőre), meg a pecsa oldalon.

Arról írok majd, ami a Kontrollal kapcsolatos: jelen, múlt, jövő. Emlékek szabad asszociációs alapon. Most például, hogy enyhe gyomorfájásra ébredtem, ami nálam azért ritka, mint a fehér holló, lekopogom ( lekopogja valami farost darabon) - eszembe jutott a tej, a meleg tej, és, minő szerencse, vettem is tejet ma, pedig kb. átlag 5 évente szoktam. valamit megsejtettem? Mindenesetre, épp 30 éve volt(úristen, évforduló!), hogy Péterrel (Müller) megismerkedtem, s annyira szerelmes voltam, s olyan szerelmi bánatokba keveredtem, vergődtem bennük pontosabban, hogy aludni sem tudtam, és rémes gyomorfájással küzdöttem éjjelente. na, akkor forró, mézes tejet ittam
Ó, hol volt még akkor a Kontroll Csoport? Mi volt még? Semmi! Egy gondolat se - csak egy ösztönös rezdülés a tudat alatt (te kis álszent!)

A Csengeri utcában laktam - D.G. segített lakást találn -, 23 évesen a sokadik albérlet közül az első igazán barátságosban. Három gyerekes "hippy pár" 150 nm-es lakásában a cselédszobát béreltem, 1500 forintért. Jó volt, nagy volt, galériás, és a konyhából nyílt, úgyhogy éjjelente alvás helyett a konyhában kucorogtam, sírtam, cigiztem, és forró mézes tejet ittam. Készültek ebből a korszakból képek, még az akciószínházas korszakunkat éltük, még nem zenekaroztunk, performerkedtünk, fotóztunk, akcióztunk...a http://kontroll-csoport.hu oldal képei közül az egymással szemben ülős (Laci+én az asztalnál, én az asztal alatt, stb) itt készül és ekkor, ebben a Csengeri utcai konyhában.Na, jó leszek, kaptok, kedves olvasók, egy kicsit több információt a kelleténél. Iderakom a Hasítás antológiából az ide vágó írásomat.

A rock ’n’ roll jeanne d’arcja

„Mamma mia let me go!”

In memoriam Freddie Mercury

Az Európa Kiadó hajdani, lengyelországi turnéján a zenekar technikusa s egyben
sofôrje kétségbeesett tiltakozásának adott hangot, mikor egy pihenônél a gitáros,
GASner János arra vetemedett, hogy bicskájával a szalonnát a road vadonatúj, világoskék
Dáciájának motorházán porciózza. GAS késhegyre tűzött egy katonát, s csak
ennyit mondott, sajnálkozva:
– Úgy látom, hogy neked fogalmad sincs róla, mi a rock ’n’ roll!
Ilyen és ehhez hasonló anekdotákkal múlattuk az idôt, s építgettük az Igazi Hôs
brandet a Menyhárt Jenô1 ingázásait kísérô bulikon, legutóbb fogvacogtató hidegben,
a láncdohányosok kedvéért az erkélyen állva.
– És arra emlékszel, mikor kidobtál a Rudas László utcából, életünk elsô találkozásakor?
– csapott le stukaként Jenô hangja, a búcsú szánalmas idilljét lesorozva.
– Elmész te, ... vissza New Yorkba! – hôköltem hátra, valami bizonytalan elôérzettôl
megborzongva. – De, de! – tódította Jenô macsóhímzésbe illô slukkal mélyítve a drámai
feszültségen. – Még rendôrrel is fenyegetôztél...! – tette hozzá csibészesen hunyorítva
a közeli Bazilika keresztjén megvillanó hullócsillagfényben. Dermedten vártam a folytatást: az elmúlt évtizedek viharos tempója és történéseinek áradata kisöpörték
tudatomból a túlélés szempontjából fölöslegesnek ítélt részleteket. – És...? – sürgettem
kelletlenül, hogy jöjjön, aminek jönnie kell, ha már a múltat végképp eltörölni úgyse’
lehetett. – Ennyi. Elmentünk. – fújta csúfondárosan a füstöt az ügyeletes Humphrey
Bogart az aktuális Lauren Bacall szemébe, ám interakciónknak a láncdohányosok
nem tulajdonítottak különösebb jelentôséget. Míg angyal szállt el a Kiskörút felett, Jenô
biztatólag megveregette a vállam:
– Nyugi, pandúrból lesznek a legjobb betyárok! – Az elképedéstôl szóhoz sem jutottam.
Persze, kibicnek semmi sem drága – fortyogtam magamban –, messzirôl jött
ember meg azt mond, amit akar... S míg sorjáztak fejemben a riposztok, a buja pesti
éjszakában felnyögtek a kísértetek.
Feltűnés nélkül visszavonultam a fürdôszobába, bereteszeltem az ajtót, rövid,
világoskék ballonkabátom zsebébôl óvatosan elôhalásztam a zsilettpengét.
Mit keresek én itt, vagy bárhol máshol, kérdeztem attól, aki addig voltam.
Kintrôl bátorítólag hörgött Nina Hagen, a pengeélen megvillant a néma Nap
fénye. Dermedten álltam a minden mindegy pillanata fölé hajolva: a tenyeremben
felforrósodott hajlékony fémrôl a szívverésem visszalüktetett. Haladékot
kaptam – vagy adtam magamnak –, s a pengére koncentrálva tövig vágtam
a hajamat. A két évtizedre
prolongált szerep lejátszott. Míg a habot tornyoztam
sörényem hűlt helyére, a fejemre zúduló víz alatt a Damenklo1 himnuszát
dúdoltam. Turbánt tekertem kölyökkutyaráncokba futó homlokom köré,
s tükörképem látványát elodázva, átgondoltam mindazt a rakás szart, amiben tocsogtam. Káoszomat; koldus, a semmire sem elég filléreket, a jelen idô markába
szórtam. Félig nedves, szúrós bundámon végigsimítva szemügyre vettem
végre legújabb énemet. „Hello, bébi, te nyomorult állat” 1 – üdvözöltem a jövôt
egy szelíd mordulással, mert szavakban ez a felütés még nem létezett. Mielôtt
bevágtam magam mögött az ajtót, egy utolsó, biztató pillantást vetettem a
rock ’n’ roll Jeanne d’Arcjára. Lass mich nicht sterben! – szólt keményen, katonásan
valaki (én?) egy másik idôbôl, de hangját elnyomta az indián üvöltés,
amivel a többiek közé vetettem magam. A füsttel és zsivajjal teli konyhában szó
bennszakadt, lehelet megszegett. – A kocka el van vetve! – suttogták a többiek
megbabonázottan, én meg csak álltam ott, nem tudva mit kezdeni a fejemben
motoszkáló dallal, ami tutira nem volt még megírva. Kicsi kicsiszolt kô, kérlek,
jöjj elô, jöjj elô!2
Arra riadtam, hogy rám omlott a kezdet korszaka, amivel körülbástyáztam
magam az éjszaka közepén, könyvekbôl próbálva elôvarázsolni a pre-rock ’n’ roll
hangulatát. Írók, adjatok a számba szavakat! Rémülten pattantam ki az ágyból,
hogy megragadjam nem létezô hajánál fogva a 22 éves lányt, akivé lettem ’78
nyarára, s aki legújabb albérletében, az otthon nem tartózkodó fôbérlôk legtágasabb
és legüresebb szobájában Lena Lovich dalára tombolt, ahogy sohasem
képzelte, hogy életében valaha is tombolni fog. Tomboltam hát, mindenki nagy
ámulatára és örömére, vad nyargalással kavarva magunk köré molekulák tornádóját.
A mindenki Kistamás Laci és Hajnóczy Csaba voltak, két barát, két társ a
forgószelet vetôk karából, a mindenség Csengery utcai központjából, ahol alak-talan, nagyszerű mozdulatokba sűrítettük a fokozhatatlan pillanatot a parttalan
lét mégis-mezsgyéjén. Lena Lovich Nina Hagen csaja volt, Nina Hagen meg David
Bowie-é, de az is lehet, hogy Hagen Bowie lánya volt, akit aztán maga Bowie menekített
ki az NDK-ból, a méltatlan operett-primadonnaság rabigájából! A Csengery
utcában és számos lakásában a városnak, egy Örs vezér tere közeli lakótelepen,
egy Tétényi úti villában, a Szövetség utcai szoba-konyhában rengeteg fénykép
készült a legfurább helyzetekben a lányról, aki voltam. Zuhanyzóból, ajtó nélküli
szekrénybôl, papundekli dobozhegyek közül, asztal alól nézek, számos maszkon
túlról a jövôbe, szelíden, ahogyan nézni csak áldozati bárányok és anyaszomorítók
tudnak. Azzal a „My name is Agnes. Agnus Dei”-pillantással, amit a késôbbi
rajongók elôszeretettel kevertek össze egy profi Femme Fatale ragadozó pillantásával,
pedig, pedig, pedig...
Azt a Csengery utcai lakást, azaz cselédszobát, mely a családi házból való
önkéntes száműzetésem kezdetén lett a menedékem, ahogy nemrégiben egy
SZDSZ-sirató ímélben nevezték: barátunk, Demszky Gábor szerezte nekem
1978-ban. Hogy legyen hová a fejem lehajtani. Jó kis szoba volt, galériás, késôbb
a Rudas László (ma Podmaniczky) utcában laktam egy megszólalásig hasonlóban,
amit egy másik barát szerzett többedmagunknak, hogy ne legyünk soha
egyedül, és hogy éljünk másképp, mint ahogy addig éltünk. Ebben a kezdetleges
kommunában esett meg, máig is tisztázatlan körülmények közt az ominózus,
kultuszromboló találkozásom Menyhárt Jenôvel és haverjával, Demivel, aki évekkel
késôbb a Kontroll utódzenekarok egyikének, a Balkan FuTourist zenekarnak lett
frontembere.
Bármi is történt a Rudas László utcában, balul végzôdött antrénk után még
évekig méregettük egymást bizalmatlan rosszallással, ha szakadt bulikon, lepattant,
viharvert lakások félhomályában Jenôvel összefutottunk. Az URH népszerű ségének
fénykorában a Kontroll Csoport1 tüneményes felbukkanása csak olaj volt a
tűzre, ami kettônk közt idôrôl idôre fellángolt. 1980 szilveszterén, Wahorn András2
pomázi házából a pesti éjszaka felé nyomulva, a HÉV Margit-hídi megállójában
a „majd meglátjuk, melyikünk zenekara lesz az igazi!” kiáltással kívántunk
Boldog Új Évet egymásnak.
Nem sokkal késôbb, az értelmiségi körökben elért sikerek dacára Müller
Péter Iván a betyáros küllemű Kontroll Csoportot választva hullócsillaggá tette a
magyar underground üstökösét, az Ultra Rock Hírügynökséget, az „öt perced van
még, hogy kimenj a divatból” Andy Warhol-i ars poetica mentén.
A nyolcvanas évek küszöbén, mikor családjaink helyett barátaink lettek új
családunk, apáink és anyáink olykor felkutatták ismeretlen címeinket, és váratlanul
betoppantak az idegenek állandó jövésmenésével benépesült, hatalmas,
bútorozatlanul bérelt lakásainkba. Hívatlanul, kalapban, kabátban tébláboltak
köztünk, csüggedten meredve szép, új világunkra egy régibôl, ahol
egyszer maguk is forradalmárok voltak, s hitték, hogy valóban az ô harcuk lesz
a végsô.
Ahogy hajamat kaszaboltam a posztkamaszkori fájdalomcunamik idején,
hasonló elszántsággal fordultam magam ellen a Kontroll Csoport létrejöttét megelôzô
szerelmi válság sodrában. Egy újabb fürdôszobát kulcsra zárva, egy újabb
pengét egy újabb zsebbôl elôkotorva ejtettem sebeket karomon akkori pasim,késôbbi férjem lakótelepi lakásának kádjában. Az elmúlásra nem, csak a halálra
gondoltam – szánalmas ajtónálló! –, míg Lou Reed Varsója harsogott, meg Patty
Smith és Ian Dury, és újra Bowie: No love, you’re not alone!
’80 nyarán, a Hajas Tibor1 tragikus halálát követô, Szirtes Jánossal2 és Vetô
Jánossal3 közösen végzett gyászszertartáson megszaladt kezemben a pengeél: tíz
évvel késôbb, a Nap-Nap Fesztivál Kontroll koncertje a mindenre elszántság ikonjaként
égette a kollektív emlékezetbe 8 öltésnyi stigmám4.
Totem és tabu és fétis / de én megérintem mégis... Az elsô prehistorikus mém
talán abból a harminc év elôtti kádból, s az én fejembôl indult útjára, hogy végül
Müller Péter dalaként fejtsen ki virológiai aktivitást a kultúrában.
S míg a vékony csíkokban szivárgó vér rózsaszínre festette testem körül a
lebegést, a jövô másik dalnoka az ajtót rugdosva eszelôsen rángatta a kilincset.
Kelletlenül kászálódtam ki a tökéletesség állagából: nem meghalni, újjászületni
vágytam, újra meg újra, szenvedélyesen!
’79 nyarától a nevezetes ’80-as év szilveszteréig hatalmasat változott az életem:
a minden egész helyén tátongó semmi édes anyaölként fogadott vissza magába.
Az új maszk, a punk énekesnôé még gazdátlanul hevert a Tétényi úti villa-lakás egyik sötét zugában, nem voltak szavaim, csak mozdulataim a világra. Nem
tudtam, mire várok, nem érdekelt, mi vár rám. A kérdés, mely a rock ’n’ roll örökre
megválaszolatlan kérdése maradt – „mi az, amitôl csak egy lépés választ el?”1, azóta
is itt kísért, miként, hajdani lázadók, mi is itt kísértünk, ahogy azt a rendszerváltás
elôtti Cassandrák egyike megjósolta.
A távoli jövômet meghatározó fordulat nyarán Hajnóczy Csaba2 szülei egy
hónapra vagy két hétre elutaztak, s mi, az idô szökevényei bevettük magunkat
mind a négy szobába, hogy zenéléssel, bulizással, éjt nappallá tevô beszélgetésekkel
növeljük az entrópiát. Csaba akkor jött vissza angliai stoppos útjáról, s
mi, itthon maradottak, anarchista akciók terveit szôttük lehetséges szabadságunk
mámorító ígérete köré az örökké nyüzsgô, örökké zajos, örökké füstbe veszô
konyhában. Kistamás Laci3 „önként” bevonult két évre katonának, hogy a hadseregben
is legyen titkos ügynökünk. A Sex Pistols és a Ramones üvöltése lerombolta
a deviánsok köré húzott falakat: barátunk, Demszky Gábor azon a nyáron egy
Stranglers-lemezt hozott Angliából ajándékba.
A robbanásszerű változásokat lengyelországi találkozások alapozták meg.
Gimnáziumi nyaraim egyikén egy Goldberger gyári, három műszakban átdolgozott
hónap után barátnômmel Wrocławba utaztunk, nemzetközi színházi találkozóra.
Elôtte, kis kitérô gyanánt, elsô repülésünk egy traktorként zötyögô LOT
géppel Krakkóba vezetett, egy ismeretlen család terített asztalához, egy soha véget
nem érô éjszakába, ahol a vodkatengerben szigetként tornyosuló savanyított
gombahegyek maradtak utolsó kapaszkodóink az anyagi világba.A lengyelek magyarok iránti lángolása gyorsvonatsebességgel gabalyított
egymásba sorsokat: a pacsong poszpésnyíj1 életem felejthetetlen látomása, mióta
30 éve elbúcsúztam lengyel pasimtól – aki nem is volt igazán a férfim soha –
a wrocławi pályaudvaron. A szláv tempóban csordogáló idô egy hétre végtelenné
tágult, hogy megmutatkozhasson végre az, aki lehetnék. És, bár Grzegorz
Klimczewski története a színházi fesztivállal együtt látszólag véget ért, álmunkban
örökre egymáséi vagyunk mi ketten: az ellenzéki szülôk nevelte hippi fiú és a
kádergyerekként felnôtt wengerska.
Utolsó éves gimnazistaként, mikor a vertikális irányban megújulni vágyó
KISZ kulturális alapszervének választott titkára lettem, öt tagot számláló
sejtembôl három fiúval elindultam Gdansk dűnékben gazdag tengerpartja felé.
Autóstoppal. Ismeretlen címeket lobogtatva ismeretlen városok ismeretlen ajtóin
kopogtattunk, s találtunk, lelkes ováció kíséretében szállásra, barátra, s az
ellenállás gondolatára. Andrzej Rogowski és Wojtcieh Mazurek azóta köddé váltak,
de ’79 nyarán még ellátogattak Magyarországra, hogy néhány felejthetetlen kalanddal,
s a késôbbi Kontroll Csoportot megihletô Polak Wenger Dwa Bratanki eszméjével
masírozzanak be a történelembe. Bevonulásuk a fizikai térben az Árpád
hídon kezdôdött: az augusztusi kánikulában bugyborékoló aszfalton talpunkat
kapkodva meneteltünk keresztül-kasul a városon, mocskos, mezítelen lábbal hirdetve
a hippi kultúra Lengyelország felôl érkezô, feltartóztathatatlan áradását.
Késôbb Prágába vezettek a bölcsômnél szôtt párkaszálak, ahol Viszockij dalait
hallgattuk, feloldozva magunkat apáink bűnei alól: konkrétan a 68-as árulás miatt. Bida Bokovával és Jarda Goldmannal – akiknek szüleit anarchista gyermekeik
miatt tették indexre – kivillamosoztunk Prága külvárosába, hogy egy lepattant
kocsmában átadjuk a Charta-aláírók1 egyikének az életem mitológiájában
hôsként felmagasztosult szociofotós, Hámos Guszti üzenetét.
Ezidôtájt ifj. Rajk László üres lakásában, egy óbudai, kétszobás lakótelepiben
vészeltem át a választott hajléktalanságot. Olykor négyen, öten is aludtunk
a földön, a padlószônyegen, egy félszobányi szobában, ahová Soma, a majdani
URH elsô énekese befogadott ideig-óráig, néhány éjszakára, akkori szerelmemmel,
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járt”. Itt tudatosult bennünk ösztönös lázadásunk: a lázadó eretnekséggel a téridômátrix
eme historikus terepén, Krúdy szűkebb pátriájában találkoztunk. Ekkor
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Utóbbi derékig érô fekete hajjal, szintén bokát verdesô fekete kabátban,
fényképezôgéppel járta a várost, s a március 15-i tüntetéseken a rendôrök réme
volt. A RAF1 történetének 23 éves szállítóját – aki késôbb Berlinbe emigrált, hogy
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elôérzettel töltötte el, ami aztán apámból váltott ki indokolatlan méretű indulatokat.
Mikor választás elé állítottak – vagy a Public Enemy, vagy a család! – jobbnak
láttam nekivágni a beígért nagy semminek, átadva magam a Take a walk on the
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Sajátos röppályánk egyenként, mindannyiunknak máshol, és mégis egymástól
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ellenôrzött vonatom. A kontrolláltság élménye szorongatott eszmélésemtôl kezd-ve: idejekorán intézményesült kapcsolataim kibontakozása óta az orwelli vízió
lett hétköznapjaim valósága. A lélekrabló üzemmód, a mindenhová beszivárgó
leskelôdés perverz gyakorlata, a magánszféra felszámolása családon belül és kívül,
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tizenkét pontja, a megfelelések kényszerzubbonyában feszengô sportszerűtlenség
jellemmé kovácsolásának nagyüzeme volt szocializációnk Omegája és Alfája.
Életemben kétszer voltam Berlinben. Elôször Kelet-Németországban, 1977-
ben, egy órára, újfent Hámos Guszti üzenetével a tarsolyomban.
Mintha csak ma lett volna, látom magunkat, színrôl színre, két stoppos lányt,
akik Lengyelország felé átutazóban megérkezünk az Alexanderplatz egyik nagyáruházába,
hogy piszkosan, kimerülten, hatalmas hátizsákjainkkal egy pisilésnyi
idôre letáborozzunk. Mikor bezárult köröttük a helybeli rendmániások gyűrűje,
a szocialista embertípus szemében szűkölô félelmet még nem tudtuk beazonosítani:
néhány évvel késôbb ezt az üzenetet is Orwell fejtette meg. Az acsarkodást
akkor visszakézbôl a „porosz iskola” rovására írtuk, s búcsú nélkül hagytuk faképnél
Hölderlin és Fassbinder meghasonlott népét.
Majd’ harminc év múltán, 2007 ôszén földbegyökerezett lábbal álltam ismét
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változott, miközben annyi minden. Köröttem morajlott a város, s könnyeimmel
együtt feltörtek az emlékek, szivárványukon a dalokkal, melyek régen, egy megszállott
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„B” tervet az elfogadhatatlan alternatívájaként.


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