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01.01.10 3:13 am
Back to the future: két évvel ezelőtti január elsejém..." Végre! Végre elmúlt az előző év, mely, szegény, utolsó napjaiban már csak nem üldözötté lett. Elódalgott, elsomfordált, s végül eliszkolt, itt hagyva örökül a megoldatlanságok szövevényes meséjét. Számmisztikailag, lássuk csak, nem is állt olyan rosszul pedig! Kilenc. Hát, ez jóval több annál, amit számmisztikailag kívánni lehet! Ragyogó! S valóban, meseszerűen minden meg lett úszva, ha úgy tetszik. Ez volt hát 2007, azaz a 9-es trükkje. Trükkös év volt, én hozzá venném még 2006-ot is, mert ezek ketten sziámi-ikrek lettek az életemben, kéz a kézben jártak, egyik görcsösen kapaszkodva a másik után. A nyolcas meg a kilences. Az testvérek közt is, újra: nyolc! Így próbáltak azonosak lenni félelmetes önmagukkal. És most, íme, csaknem tiszta lapként itt áll az egyes, 1, a minden számlálható kezdetek kezdete! Persze, „csak” számmisztikailag. Kinn hóba burkolva, néma nyugalommal várnak a sorsukra a dolgok. Türelmesen? Ugrásra készen? Rezzenéstelen nyugalommal? Ki tudja? Én biztosan nem.
Telefonok, (sms-ek), elsőre anyámmal, aki szememre veti, hogy, állítólag életünkben először nem sikerült boldog újévet kívánnunk egymásnak éjfél után! Hát, igen. A Gödörben azt mondta valaki, hogy legalább két órát ne is próbálkozzak, hogy törvényszerű a vonalak foglaltsága, és az lesz, egyre inkább, az évek - a világ telefonmennyiségeinek – előrehaladtával. Lencse, virsli - a Nyilasnak ennyire van szüksége az újév első órájában. A virslire nem is, azt csak az élvezet kívánása diktálja belém.
Tulajdonképp’ azért írok, amiért kicsit gyorsan takarítottam, hogy aztán fussak a szülői, óbudai lakótelepi házba, aztán a Quimby-re (elmegyek mégis!), aztán, vagy az előtt a Libellába… ha Isten is így akarja! Szóval, azért ez a nagy ügybuzgóság, mert, apám hagyománya (kis falu a Bükkben, mondtam már?) azt diktálja, hogy résen legyek: amit az ó év első napján teszünk, azt tesszük egész évben majd! A fent soroltakat meg, (a Libellát a barátság jegyében) mindenképp akarom. Főzni is kéne egy kicsit, kinn az erkélyen kacsacombok állnak hűvös (kővé dermedt) halomba. Tepsik kimosva (az ó év utolsó két napján zsíroldóban áztak), már csak az idő végessége az aprócska akadály.
Anyámmal való telefonozásomat egy kis olvasás követte, hogy megadjuk a császárnak is, ami a császáré: az olvasónak (nekem) Kunderát. Ebben az évben Prágára, hatvannyolcra emlékezem. A fiúra, aki a Nemzeti Múzeum lépcsőjén a kommunista magyar néphadsereg bevonulása ellen tiltakozva felgyújtotta magát. Kundera hibátlan, (megint csak, jobb híján: Istennek hála!), bármikor elvarázsol, időtlenné tágítva az olvasás (élet!) múló pillanatait. A Parfümmel tegnap leszámoltam, pedig a lányom szemetes zsákjából halásztam stikában elő. Hiába: gyermekem ízlése (vagy „csak” hirtelen indulat indukálta intuíciója?) hibátlan! Ez a könyv még történelmi zanzának is tökélytelen. Perverz. Szerintem ez a titka, ezt imádják az emberek.
Fájdalmas sebet ejtenek lelkemen a rossz könyvek, arra a néhány órára, percre, amíg megpróbálom olvasni őket. Mint több órás nagytakarítás után a mosószerek a kezemen: rövidtávú megpróbáltatások a testnek. Itt: a léleknek. A lét elviselhetetlen könnyűsége ellen ellensúlyozásnak: minden megoldás érdekel!
S hogy mennyire kell lábjegyzetelni az írónak önmagát? Hogy mennyire része a műnek a megfejtésre váró (vagy nem váró) titok? Na, tegnap éjjel e témában még egy kis eszmecserébe is belefutottam egyik esszém (bizony, azt írtam) szerkesztőjével. Hogy kell-e lábjegyzetelni az NDK-t? Hogy tudja-e a mai kor átlag gyermeke, minek a rövidítése ez a három nagybetű? Hogy olvas – e az átlag gyermek, ha egyáltalán van olyan? Hogy kinek lábjegyzetel az író? Esetleg nem magának - é…?
Na, uzsgyi: megpróbálok idén tömören, s röviden fogalmazni. Majd meglátom (meglátjuk, meglátjátok), hogy elröpül ez az év is, egy pillanat alatt! Egy. 1.
Délután három van, odakinn szorgos, elszánt kezek a tegnap óta lankadatlanul eső hó egyre vastagodó rétegeit kotorják. Megvan a folytonosság az ó és az új év közt, ha eddig nem lett volna kapaszkodó: a természet gondoskodása révén itt van még a tavalyi hó!
Egy: megérett a meggy. Jaj, már sötétedik…"



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