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Cím: csillagszálló
07.16.10 8:58 pm
Kávé és cigaretta


A cigarettát abbahagyta, a kávét, talán soha nem is nem fogja. Pedig mindkettőt egyszerre kezdte el, ha kezdetnek számít a gyerekkori próbálkozás, amit aztán nem követett jó ideig – néhány évig – tett. Falusi nyaralásokon, a hatvanas évek második felében még állt apai nagyanyjának portáján a szín – igaz, már csak amolyan lomtárként üzemelt, telezsúfolva a paraszti élet addigra letűnt kellékeivel. A faragott támlájú, megkopott lócán kuporgott unokatestvéreivel, nagyvárosi rakoncátlanságával ejtve rokonságát szelíd ámulatba. Számtalan forró délutánon fantasztikus meséket szövögetve, titokzatos vágyakat korbácsolva a többiekben és magában, mesélt, városi szemmel romantikusnak tetsző helyszíneket választva a meséhez: a padlás lépcsőfeljáróját, a házak aljában levő pincéket, vagy, a falut átszelő országutat szegélyező árokpartot.
- Én voltam a rangidős és ez által a bandavezér, lány létemre – meséli az író. - Egyetlen unokanővérem félárvaként már nyolc-tízévesen háztartási munkákat végzett, míg édesanyja takarítónőként, vagy a téeszföldeken az idénynek megfelelő mezőgazdasági munkásként dolgozott. Ez a kislány esténként, mint egy fáradt öregasszony, a lelkes visszaemlékezések hallgatójaként részesült csak a nap fergeteges eseményeiből, ami, kizárólag rokoni szálakon szerveződő, alkalmi bandánkkal megesett. Néha, ha a porta végében csörgedező kis patakot szegélyező pályán futkostunk épp, mint az Orion űrhajó varangyokat üldöző legénysége, szánakozva konstatáltuk, hogy unokanővérünk a libák hajkurászásával elfoglaltan megint csak nem csatlakozhat mezítlábas, szertelen csapatukhoz. -
Meztélláb, ahogy odahaza, az író apjának falujában mondták, a porban és a zöldellő füvön, a falun átfutó betonúton, s a tallón, az éles kis lándzsákra lecsupaszított gabonaföldeken, cipő nélkül járt az író is nyaralásai idején, ahogy járt az egész falu népe, tavasztól őszig, ha esett, ha fújt, ha izzott a talpak alatt felporzó föld.
- Nem tudom, kinek a találmánya volt hetünk közül az újságpapírból sodort cigaretta és a kredenc széléről elcsórt kávézaccból újrafőzött kávé – ragadta nyakon az író a feledésbe merülni készülő képek egyikét-másikát. – Heten voltunk, mint a gonoszok. A Beta-had. Sosem felejtem el az égő papír, az akkor még ólommal nyomott Szabadnép, Népszabadság, Népszava füstjének ízét, s a híg kávéra hajazó, átlátszóan világosbarna lötty utánozhatatlan aromáját, melyek végtelen elégedettséggel töltötték el fantázia ország lakóit. A kávé és a cigaretta volt a bizonyítékunk arra, hogy valóban megtörténnek velünk mindazok a dolgok, amiket a falu házait szegélyező Bükkalja dombjain, apró, ligetes erdeiben, kis patakja medrében eljátszottunk. -
Évekig tartottak ezek a nyári szünidőket tarkító titkos szeánszok a színben, aztán a fából készült, idejétmúltnak nyilvánított építményt lebontották, a városiak bánatára, az odavalósiak korra jellemző, heves modernizációs törekvésinek eredményeként.
- Maradt a nosztalgia, mely nem annyira a kesernyés füst, s a cukorral felturbózott koffein emlékének, mint a gyerekkor határtalanságának szól – szabadkozik az író…, ki előtt? Nyilván maga előtt, mert más nincs a szobában, ahol ír, eltekintve a számos szellemtől, akik mindig körülbuzogják, ha magára marad az írással.
- Mindenesetre, 15 évesen, a Madách Gimnázium első éves növendékeként, a tanévnyitót követő ismerkedős napokon már úgy szívtuk a cigarettát, úgy füstöltünk, mint a gyár, ahogy nagymamám mondta volt - folytatja. Először jött a Symphonia, és az is maradt az alapvetés dohányzás ügyben, bár voltak számos, divatszámba menő próbálkozások különféle belföldi és egyéb szocialista márkákkal. A Porti-ra, az albán cigire, mint mérgező, már-már drogként ható dohányipari termékre emlékszik vissza, mely időről-időre előkerült, az önsanyargatási kedv hullámain felbukkanva, és annak csillapodtával, valamint a leküzdhetetlen hányinger okán újra és újra, egy időre háttérbe szorulva. A Románc volt a kemény cigik utolsó fellegvára, számos vitát kiváltva a Symphonia pártiak részéről, akik végül arisztokratikus gőggel hárítottak el mindennemű újítási szándékot. Az Almássy téri bandázások nagyjából a nap közepére estek, délután kettő és négy közé, akkor volt a gimiben az ebédszünet, meg az egész napos iskola órarendjébe beiktatott egy-két lyukasóra.
- Ilyenkor felkászálódtunk, s miként gyerekkorunkban a falusi szín lócáján, a játszótér padjain felsorakozva szívtuk sorba, amennyi az időbe belefért, a cigarettákat. Nem emlékszem, egy kivételével, olyan alkalomra, hogy rosszul lettem volna, bár a flash-szerűen támadó émelygés, ami az önsanyargató szolgáltatás része volt, örökre, még harminc év multával is a nap első cigarettájának privilégiuma maradt. -
A kávézás későbbi szokásként szivárgott az életébe, mondja, mert a korszak szexi itala, teszi hozzá mosolyogva, a tea volt, a minél erősebb, és minél több fekete tea.
- A tea volt a lázadás itala, a teaivás szertartásosságot sejtetett és vég nélküliséget varázsolt a permanens összejövetelek köré, melyek alatt csak főztük és ittuk a hippik italát, amíg a csersav jellegzetes belső környezeti változást nem idézett elő a kollektív tudatalattiban.
„Azóta mindenről kiderült, hogy egészségtelen” – gondolja az író az ébredés utáni, negyedik, méregerős teáját szopogatva, „mert mindenről kiderült, hogy a mértéktelenség az élvezet forrása. A rászokás után rabul ejtett a folytonosság lehetősége, a folytonosságé, melyre olykor egy napot, sőt egy életet is felfűzhetett isten eltévelyedett báránya.”
József Attila a cigire esküdött, állítólag mindenről le tudott volna mondani, de a cigiről nem. (Hogy így volt-e, vagy sem…? Az író azóta sem tudja, de tény, hogy egyik zenész szerelme, nélkülözésekben gazdag napjaik valamelyikén párhuzamot vont a költő és a saját szokásai között, egy áhítatosan mély slukkal nyomatékosítva a közlést.
- Ebben az időben, nem lévén éjjel-nappali közért, éjszakánként, cigi híján a házelőtti villamosmegálló sínjei közül szedegettük a méretesebb dekkeket – mereng el az író a múlt felett. - Nem költöttünk sok mindenre, mert nem volt miből, de cigink mindig volt, s ha valamelyikünknek elfogyott volna, ami rendre megesett, bizton számíthattunk a többiek tartalékaira.
„Ez a bandázós életforma úgy húzódott keresztül az életemen, mint vörös fonál” – gondolja az író a klaviatúrát csattogtatva. Teát szopogatott: a tea maradt az anyagban a múzsája, olykor a kávé, de azt egyre ritkábban tartotta otthon. A dohányzást, 30 év füstölgés után, egy szép napon, épp félévtizede, abbahagyta az ivással együtt, nem sokat teketóriázva. Ámbár, jutott eszébe, a cigivel, azaz az abbahagyásával volt már régebben is néhány próbálkozása, sikerült is olykor egy félévre, máskor kettőre is, ha jól emlékszik, abbahagynia, de mihelyt rátört a félelem, a szorongás, a kétségbeesés, cunamiként áradó szerelmi kataklizmái közepette, két kézzel, láncban szívta a cigit, akárha a megfoghatatlan megoldás mágikus szellemét nyelné magába, az olykor már fojtogató mennyiségűvé duzzadó füsttel.
- Milyen szédítően jó volt az első reggeli slukk, amellyel az éjszaka fellélegző tüdő fájdalmas szűkölése ellenére, keményen letörtük a test könyörgését. Irgalmat nem ismerve, meg nem bocsátva senkinek, magunknak meg főleg nem, fojtottuk el a belső hangot, szervezetünk értünk folyó kilincselését. Sejtjeink, mint rabszolgák, kétszeresen letörve végezték tovább a dolgukat, és lázadásra a másnapi ébredésig nem is gondoltak. – Az író a távoli múltba réved, s látja magát az üzlethelység sötét zugában, ahol a nap fényei módjával hatoltak a kirakatüvegen át, titokzatos félhomályba burkolva a nagy franciaágyat, mely mellett csupán egy polc, s egy szekrény fért el, s ahol a fali csapon kívül egyéb komfort jelei nem mutatkoztak. Vécé az udvaron volt, egy sarokra a lakástól, fűtés nuku; azaz egy hősugárzó, jobb napokon egy villanykályha ontotta tíz centis körzetben a meleget. Kemény téli éjszakákon tetőtől talpig felöltözve bújtak a dupla paplanok közé az ágyba. De reggel, mintha minden remény szárba szökött volna: a cigaretta a fejük melletti kis széken, egy karnyújtásnyira a biztonság és a jövő reményével kecsegtetett.
- Az első slukk az ábrándok felhőjébe burkolta a mindig kései ébredést: míg kinn kattogott a hatvanegyes villamos kereke, s ezerrel pörögtek a délelőtti órák, benn béke, füst, s a rezsón fortyogó vízzel megelőlegezett neszkávé illata vont körénk védelmező aurát. - „És arra a képre emlékszel drága, mikor a…” - dúdolja magában az író, az előtte sorjázó film kockáit bámulva, melyeken Dziga Vertov-os, sőt Bunueli- vágástechnikával montírozódtak egymásra az idők, elmúlt élete eseményeiről tudósítva.
Hányszor érezte, hogy sarokba szorították, ha nem volt a zsebében annyi pénz, amennyiből egy kávéra futotta volna…! Hányszor? Sokszor. Hányszor bliccelt a villamoson? Évekig, ha belegondol, olykor szívdobogva, kezével a kabátzsebében azt a néhány forintot szorongatva, ami a napi egy-két-három kávét fedező összvagyona volt.
- A mértékkel használt drogok, az „élvezeti cikkek”, ahogy a köznyelv, a polgári fogyasztói zsargon hívja, élvezetet ígérnek a mindennapok számkivetettjeinek, hasonlóképpen a szájukban ezüstkanállal születettekhez – nyilatkozta néhány napja egy női magazinnak, dacolva a lap imidzsével. „Légy normális” hirdette a főcím szlogenje, alatta a képpel, melyen egy gyermekét magához szorító anyuka coffein mentes kávét szopogatva a tv-t bámulta.
- Isten - mondta az író egyik ismerőse a minap -, azért tűri el a földi kínokat, mert azok hangjai az embert és a mindenhatót elválasztó mérhetetlen távolságból hozsannának tetszenek. - És - fűzte hozzá az író -, a cigi füstjének s a kávé aromájának illata megerősíti a Magasságost ebben az illúziójában.

Aztán egy szép napon eljött a leszámolás órája. „Az elszámolásé, pontosabban” – gondolja az író, mert írás közben az ember az egyre pontosabb fogalmazásra törekszik, mániákusan keresve azokat a szavakat, melyek mögül nem mászik elő a hiányérzet kígyója. A maszatolás majma. A fölöslegesség férge. A kétértelműség démona. „Na persze” – teszi hozzá az író magában –„olykor a két, sőt többértelműség koboldjai vidítják fel a szívet, s vezetnek a célegyenesbe, amennyiben a történetírót és olvasót érdekli a célegyenes.”

- A cigi és a kávé egyébként a család budapesti, és falusi férfi ágának volt a mindennapokhoz elengedhetetlen kelléke, - dől hátra az író, szoknyáját a térdén először feljebb, aztán lejjebb huzigálva, a visszaemlékezést folytatva. Bár apja és anyja emlékei szerint soha nem dohányoztak, anyja visszatérő emlék-idézetei közé tartozik az az egy-két év, mikor a fővárosi tanács valamelyik osztályán dolgozva, a munkahelyi kollektív pszichózis igézetében a többiekkel együtt pöfékelt, elvei ellenére, amolyan kocadohányos tempóban, - amit egyébként az író még soha nem képzelt el életszerűen. Most, kacarászik a helyzetet némiképp túlreagálva, alkalom szüli a tolvajt alapon, teszi hozzá, cinkos kacsintásával a kelleténél több információ értékére utalva, megteszi. Elképzeli a hetvenes években még ifjú, jelenkori nálánál egy tízessel fiatalabb anyját, ahogy előkotorja a munkahelyen használatos Fecske cigarettát a dobozából és gyakorlatlan ujjakkal rágyújt, hirtelen rátörő köhögésrohamtól fuldokolva, lévén kocadohányos, aki köztudottan a füstöt le nem tüdőzheti.
– Gondolom, miután kicsit megszédült, szemét szigorúan összecsippentve „helyrerázta magát”, s az izzó parazsat óvatosan, szoknyájától a lehető legtávolabb eltartva, időnként aprókat szippantott. A hamut megpróbálta lazán lepöccinteni, ahogy a filmekben látta, de ez nem mindig sikerült neki, mert hiányzott a hamu állagát érzékelő rutinja. Aztán, stikában, a félig elégett cigit egy hamutartóban elnyomta – mutatja az író, karját egy groteszk mozdulattal az elképzelt hatalmas íróasztal legtávolabbi sarka felé nyújtva, - megkeseredett szájízzel és némi bűntudattal, kétszeres energiával vetette a kicsinyke pausa után magát a munkába. A papírok fölé hajolt, telefont emelt, és elhatározta, hogy „ezt aztán soha többé!” és olyan szigorúan szólt a telefonba, hogy a vonal másik végén nem tudták hova tenni a hangnemet. Egy-két-három-négy óra múlva felállt, nyújtózkodott, s mikor az ajtón beszólt egy kolléga, boldogan ügetett kifelé, hogy a folyosó végén, az ablaktalan, füstös kis szobában a kávé, az erős, a fekete, sőt dupla mellé kínált cigarettát gondolkodás nélkül elfogadja. -
Az író itt elhallgatott, sőt, ellágyult a kép láttán, ami eléje tárult, s suttogva, szinte megilletődötten kommentálta az eseményeket:
- Este, a lakásba lépve, apám csókja elől bűnbánó fintorral félrekapta a fejét, tenyerét kuncogva a csók elé tartotta, és felnyögött: „büdös vagyok, cigiztem, jaj, ne haragudj…” Apám pedig – hisz nagyobb dolgok is estek akkor tájt földön és égen, melyek fölött nem volt hatalma -, a fejleményeket az igényelt mértékű megbocsátás mosolyával fogadta.




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